Posted by: sharethewhine | October 14, 2009

Driving Miss Emily

I must apologize for the lack of posts lately. My lifestyle choices have caught up with me. We have closed the resort for the winter, I am planning my winter trip (yes, I am going despite a lack of funds) and my three distance education courses are demanding attention. So, at present I find myself in Vancouver again and I have just finished my first exam. The test itself went reasonably well, I believe, but it was challenging. There was only one page where I said to myself: “Sonofabitch, this is going to come straight out of my ass”. As a result, I labelled most of the structures correctly, but placed them in the wrong area of the body. Whoops.

In order to get around Vancouver, I have been borrowing GPS units from various members of my family. Traveling with a GPS is astounding. This little device will guide you in a British female voice (known as “Emily” in the setting) via the fastest route to your location. This gives you the confidence to drive like a local blissfully into areas that locals would dare not tread. I have lost count of the number of times I have locked my car doors and said “Emily, where the hell are you taking me??”

Emily and I have a love/hate relationship. Emily will not account for Vancouver rush hour traffic or that I am not accustomed to such traffic conditions. She also blithely ignores such impediments as  cement barriers in the middle of the damn road. Today, for example, she wanted me to “turn left”. I could not do so, as the aforementioned cement barricade was in the way. I turned right instead. Emily recalculated our route and informed me that I needed to turn left on a street, just as I was passing through that exact intersection. I replied: “I need a bit more warning, you British chippy!”. Anticipating that she would again instruct me to turn left at the next street, I carefully negotiated my way into the left lane. I must have offended her, because she then instructed me to turn RIGHT “in 150 metres”. Emily, you vile bitch!! Vancouver drivers are merciless to those lacking definite direction and buddy-boy behind me was not about to let me in front of his car. With the intersection looming and my “safe space” rapidly closing, I made a decision.

I made it…just.

Between Buddy’s determination not to let me in and my determination to make that turn, we damn near made the evening traffic report. I then gave Emily a stern lecture about traffic safety and the advantages of early warnings, peppered liberally with profanity.

Again, I must have offended her British sensibilities because she got even with me by guiding me in a DIFFERENT direction home than usual and landing me in the thick of Vancouver bridge traffic, despite my arguments. It is very difficult to win an argument with an inanimate object. Bitch.

I must go, my full wine glass is calling. It is La Fiole du Pape by Chateauneuf-du-Pape tonight. Last night, a friend of the family contributed a 2005 Black Arts Pinot Noir, so I had a high standard to maintain.

Cheers!

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